storm before the calm

listen, y’all.

i’m tired. i’m tired of the pretense. i’m tired of holding back. i’m tired of hiding. i’m tired of being less.

i have all sorts of negative coping mechanisms that flare up out of nowhere, it seems, causing all sorts of weird, vastly uncomfortable symptoms. the worse i am coping, the worse the symptoms. i’m not saying they’re not real… oh, no, they are all too real… but i’m saying that once i start doing better, and coping well, a lot, if not most, of those symptoms disappear. but only to replaced by other ones. so i’ve learned to use the positive aspects of my negative coping mechanisms. it’s been a journey, having to wade through the muck to find the diamonds. my bag of treasures keeps getting heavier, and i’m finally finding a place to put it all down to start building my sparkling palace. it will look even more magnificent in the middle of this wasteland.

i have to talk in riddles a lot, or use analogies, not because i’m in denial, or trying to hide anything, but if i were tell you exactly what it is i deal with on a daily basis, half of you would never speak to me again. i know this to be true because i’ve lost a lot of loved ones over my struggle, and the specifics i’ve shared. i’m not looking to lose any more.

i haven’t decided how i’m going to do anything yet. i have a youtube channel now that’s been gathering dust for over a week. i’m hoping to publish something new today… but the day is young, and best laid plans, and all that.

i’m glad to be home today. tucked away in a corner of my living room, listening to the wind wrap its needy arms around my building. the sky is cycling between cloudy, sunny, and rainy. my cat is being a polite loaf on her couch, less than a few feet from me. there’s a cup of coffee sitting on a coaster within reach. there’s a candle there, too. my kitchen is mostly clean and organized now, a few unwashed dishes have gathered to keep balance. my bed is made, and my bathroom is not gross. my tv is playing a livestream, a bit like listening to the radio. i’m sitting in a big comfy easy chair next to my table, typing with the unnecessary light of the cute lamp behind my laptop glowing happily.

i have a lot of things to worry about. i have a lot to do. my life has been a mostly unmanaged mess for so long, and here i am now, back to take the reins, to use everything i’ve learned along the way. because i see it now. i see myself the way i’ve always wanted to. the outside of my life finally matches exactly what i’ve wanted for so long.

and success is really just the result of failing over and over again until you see what needs to be upgraded, and then doing it.

so let’s take our imperfections, and start building our perfect-for-us lives, and then share them with each other.

thank you so much for reading ❤