i had to take a break

this might be my second entry composed from a desktop. usually, i’m posting from an app, hunched over having a smoke, or lying under three blankets, or sitting in front of a long forgotten something on the TV, pretending to be scrolling social media.

i don’t get a lot of alone time these days. it’s been really hard to adjust lately. after about six months of essentially living alone, cat and i had gotten used to a sort of schedule. i’d found a way to deal with all my health triggers in order to function.

change is not good. change is good, but not when it comes to mental health, and chronic body pain. that shit needs to be managed. and once you find what works for you, any upheaval, even the smallest change, can throw all of that hard work off. in my case, almost a year of juggling my own issues to find what works, has been undone. i’m not upset about it, because i have so many other tools and coping skills now. yes, a bit ago, i kind of relapsed into old behaviours. i was at my wit’s end, having tried so many different things to deal with the situation, and nothing was yielding results.

it’s unfortunate also because i had just started volunteering. all that work leading up to it had been specifically so i could get out into the world and do something like that again. now, i’m physically sick with a cold that won’t go away, my mental health has taken a huge nosedive, my body pain is going on day six of every movement hurts.

i’m not complaining, even though it may sound like it. i’m in a place of relaxation right now, and i’m able. i had to assert myself a couple days ago, and it yielded results. i’m learning how to effectively communicate about my issues with concerned parties, without being an overbearing poor me dick about it. my house is clean, i’m clean, cat is happy, and i’m still going out, doing things with friends, and managing my symptoms as they come.

so, a lot of huge strides compared to how i would have dealt with all of these so-called setbacks even six months ago.

things are hard. i’m still here, and i’m still grateful.

thanks for reading xo