5 AM and all is well

I’ve been awake since 3:30 AM. I fell asleep really early last night.

I start training at my volunteer place today. I’m nervous. I don’t want to go. All my anxieties and fears are telling me a thousand reasons not to go: too many germs, will get sick, no clean clothes, hair looks terrible, what if panic attack… Usually any one of these reasons would be a reason not to go. Today I’m telling myself: worst case, you’ll get sick. Nobody cares about your clothes. Wear a hat. We know what to do with panic attacks. Next!

It would be nice to stay home and do nothing, but the time has passed for that. I’ve spent the past three to five years doing “nothing” and it was the most valuable time I’ve spent in my life. Doing “nothing” was actually giving my mind and body space to heal. I’ve been in therapy this entire time. I’ve been doing work at home through the DBT workbook, online research, I’ve joined support groups, and helped others through their struggles. I’ve been stitching myself back together one stitch a day, and then ripping the stitches out the next to start all over again.

I’m to be trained as support staff at a drop-in centre here for people who live on the street. As support, I’ll be trained in all areas: lunch prep, coffee prep, meal prep, cleaning, helping with the food pantry. That way, I can step in anywhere, when needed, and that’s my favourite role. I’m really looking forward to it, if I’m honest. I’m training for coffee hour, and that sounds like something I’ve been training for my entire adult life, so it should be relatively easy.

It hasn’t been easy getting to a place where I can leave the house, never mind plan to leave the house ahead of time, never mind interact with strangers, nevermind being in a position of other people relying on me. It’s a different feeling than “nobody can ever rely on me”, and yes, it’s scary.

This week is going to be busy. I have a thing every day. I have: training, meeting with lawyer, job interview, hearing, and more training. I’m glad, though, I’d almost always rather be anywhere than here, but since I’m always “here”, an outside distraction will be nice.

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you have a perfect day with loved ones today. Give them an extra squeeze and maybe think about a close friend or family member that you never get to see.

I won’t say the words, but I hope you get my intention. I am thankful. I am thankful for you, for this blog, for existence, for being able to do. And, after wanting to die for most of my life… This is a miracle. A me miracle.

Because I’ve never been this thankful in my entire life.

Xoxo, love you all! ♡